But you don’t look sick…

BYDLS

“I’m sorry I can’t carry you right now, Mommy doesn’t feel well” to which my 5 year old said, “But you don’t look sick!!” I could feel his frustration and my heart broke. He was right. I don’t look sick, and to the outside world, I’m not sick. I look normal. I act normal. To them I am the same girl I’ve always been. I have mastered the fine art of getting up, getting dressed, pasting a smile on my face and making my way through my day. When people ask the obligatory question, “hi! how are you?” my response is always the same, “I’m well thanks.” Why do I do this? I’m not well, I’m not even close to well. Some days are better than others, but I wouldn’t ever say that I feel well. The truth is I feel dizzy, I feel tried, I feel scared, and I feel alone in this illness. I feel the loss of the person I used to be. I read a book that said accepting a chronic illness may mean you go through some stages of grief because you are mourning the life you once had, the person that you once were. This is so true. I yearn for the day that I wake up and I feel like myself, and for the night I can go to bed without having to load myself up with prescriptions. The fact is, I may never feel that way again. This really may be with me for the rest of my life and I’ve made the choice to face this illness with a smile on my face. I truly do believe in the power of positive thoughts. I believe that if I say I’m well, maybe someday I will be! If I smile and keep plugging through my life, maybe one day it won’t be so much work just to show up. I may not look sick, and I think that may actually be a blessing. It is a constant in my life when nothing else has been. It makes it easier to keep moving, keep going, and keep focusing on…RECOVERY!

chronicallyfabulous

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4 thoughts on “But you don’t look sick…

  1. From one chronically ill Mom to another it’s heartbreaking for our kids! But I find that as Ryder understands it more he is truly more compassionate to others who may be struggling. I am so proud if you for writing this as you are putting down so many thoughts that so many of us have!

    Liked by 1 person

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