Mommy Guilt…

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One of the most difficult parts of being sick is being sick while still having to be an A+ Mommy. Sometimes it all begins to be too tough and while it’s only happened a handful of times, I had a pretty big melt down over the weekend. As most of you know, not only am I a full time teacher, mommy, and wife, I am also a graduate student. Let me save you the time…yes, I’m crazy. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I do need some help taking a step back…these are all things I know 😉 The old Samantha had no problem with this. She thrived under pressure. Deadlines, no problem! Stress, no way! Juggling 50 things at once, piece of cake! It’s this NEW Samantha that can’t keep up! Who invited her anyway?! After working all week I woke up on Saturday morning to my alarm blaring **6am, time to get your a** out of bed!** I was able to squeeze in a workout (not because I’m one of those awesome people who loves to do this in the morning, but because I am one of those people who will literally fall apart at the seems if I don’t get my body in motion) before I left for a full day at UMaine. I had grad class alllllll day, and let me tell you folks, this class is all about research, so obviously I was riveted all day 😉 At around 1pm I felt myself starting go have an episode. The wave of exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. I got up and moved around, chugged water, I even pinched myself…nothing was working. I ended up having to slip away and pop 1/2 a valuum, not something I would recommend! While it seems to be the only thing that can calm down the adrenaline bursts that happen, the side effects are terrible. I feel even more exhausted and loopy than I did before. I had to choose the lesser of two evils. In a full blown “attack”,as I so endearingly call them, I begin to sweat, my body tingles, my eye sight begins to go black, I go into tachycardia, my limbs go numb and I get so disoriented and dizzy the only option is the lay down. Obviously this is not something I want to battle while I’m trying to learn about research methods…in public! So, prescription drugs to the rescue! I was able to make it through the rest of my class in relatively one piece, then it was off to spend the evening with my best friend. This was something I needed so badly. Spending time with your best friend is like chocolate cake for your soul. She loves and accepts me for who I am, crazy, overcommitted, sick, loopy me…and I love her for that….I guess that’s what 26 years of friendship will buy you…unconditional love and understanding…who knew?! ❤ I left her around 7pm and made the hour long drive home. I poured myself into bed at 8 and felt like I just run a marathon…

The next morning it was time to get back to it again. This time, full blown Mommy mode. There were forts that needed building and baby dolls that needed rocking. My kids needed me…they needed me and I was exhausted. I dragged myself to my son’s hockey practice, and home again. My husband had a hockey game of his own to play in that night so I was on single mommy duty…and that’s when it happened. “Mommy, Sophie pushed me!””Mommy play minions””Mommy I need a snack” “Mommy read me a book!” All of the requests were normal, understandable and heartbreaking. I just couldn’t do it. I was one of the mommies that I used to judge, you know, the kind that puts the TV on, popcorn in a bowl and goes to lay down? That mommy. That was me…and I hated myself for it.

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This illness, this POTS Syndrome, this unwelcome guest in my body is taking away precious moments from my children, and it makes me mad. I accept the illness. I accept what it’s doing and how it’s here to stay. But, what I cannot accept are the moments that I’m losing. I laid on my bed while my children were watching Twice Upon a Christmas (yes, I will do another blog on my love for Christmas directly after Halloween later…) and I cried. I balled. It couldn’t have been pretty, it was one of those feel it in my gut cries. When it was over I felt strangely better…more aware and more focused. I dried my eyes and I plopped myself down in the living room. My kids were just happy I was there. There didn’t need anything else. They just needed me. I tell my students all the time, “do the best you can do! that’s all I can expect from you!” I am going to start saying this to myself. I am trying, I am fighting, and I am doing the best that I can. While the old Samantha may think this slowed down pace is for sissies, the new Samantha thinks that this pace is just going to have to be okay ’cause it’s the best I can do!

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3 thoughts on “Mommy Guilt…

  1. I am so proud of you. You, the mom; you, the wife; you, the daughter; you, the teacher; you, the student; and you the dear friend. You are going to beat this and you are going to help others through their journeys with this horrible syndrome. You know, POTS backwards is STOP–and that’s exactly what you are going to do to it. Love you…

    Liked by 1 person

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