As the holiday season approaches us fast and furiously I can’t help but find myself daydreaming of Christmases past. Last year Christmas was…wonderful, special, magical and all that jazz…but it was also tiring, no, make that exhausting, cold, and STRESSFUL. Last year we lost the power in an ice storm and we were out for daysssss. Luckily for us my parents have a generator so we were able to move in with them and actually have heat and hot water (thank the lord!). With a (not even) 1 year old, a 4 year old, and my husband and myself all in one bedroom, I was ready to check myself into the looney bin, just for a break!
This year I find myself thinking back and wishing I could go back there. Go back to all the crazy, the stress and chaos. Why? Because last year I wasn’t sick. Last year I was able to enjoy the day-to-day instead of waking up and counting the hours until I can go to bed again. Last year I was able to smile…and mean it. Now I just feel like the Grinch. I’m going through the motions of the holidays because I want my kids to love this time of year just like I do. But, the light is gone, and that scares me. When people ask “what do you want for Christmas?” I have a hard time not bursting into tears. All I want is to feel better, and no one can give that to me. I just want these lyme treatments to be over and for the dizziness to go away. I want to be myself again. I want to be able to be the mom that my kids deserve. I want this hell I’ve been living in to disappear so I can see the sun again. Is that too much to ask?!
Oddly enough POTS Syndrome has been called “the grinch syndrome” because the size of our hearts is (sometimes) too small…it’s very fitting for me this year. POTS is definitely the Grinch who stole Christmas.
So, until I find the magic trick to make me feel better…and make no mistake, I WILL FIND IT…I will make gingerbread men, read the night before Christmas, move that Elf on a Shelf, and smile as much as I can to make it through the holidays with my kids. Here’s hoping that next year when I look back, this will only be a distant memory!