I’ve been wanting to write this blog for some time now, but it never really felt like the right moment. For some reason it does now, so here we go! Chronic illness is a terrible b*tch. We all know this. It’s awful and mean and unfair and just plain crappy…but from this illness I have uncovered something in myself that I didn’t know was there before…I can be kind of a badass…not in a bad or scary way, but in the best way possible.
I think a little of this comes from age (since turing 30 I care A LOT less of what other people think about my actions) and a little comes from working on my masters degree (educational leadership is a program that FORCES you to push yourself outside your comfort zone…how can you be a leader if you can’t do that?!) but most of this growth has come from my illness. I am now required to fight for myself, and before that would make me extremely uncomfortable, but now, BRING IT ON!
Making a phone call to Anthem (my favorite…) doesn’t scare me, I don’t feel badly for calling and demanding something for myself and well being. If my doctors can’t fit me into their schedule, I have no problem hounding them until I get seen. This may seem like a small thing, but for me it’s HUGE growth. It’s effected my personal life too, on many levels. Since I was 18 I’ve wanted to get a tattoo, but I was always too scared to even think about it because I was afraid my dad would be upset. Crazy, I know! Well, I finally decided that waiting 13 years was long enough and it was time to pull the trigger. I (nervously!) talked to my dad about it. I didn’t ask permission, but I asked him how long he was going to hate me for doing it. 🙂 PS- he was great about it, and even said that he *sort of!!!* liked the tattoo. It’s a design on my foot with the names of my children…how could he hate that?! 😉 Anyway, the point is, fear of upsetting others would have totally held me back in the past, and this time, it didn’t. It was liberating and freeing. I know tattoos aren’t for everyone, but they are for me, and that’s all that matters.
I put in for some extended sick time at work to really focus on myself and my body. That would have NEVER happened before. I would have felt way too guilty to take 2 weeks off. But, you know what? I need it. I need the time to catch up on sleep, change my work out routine and detox my diet. I’m going to do EVERYTHING in my power to help my body recovery and I need some uninterrupted time to get that done. I have the sick time…it’s time to use it…AND, not feel badly about doing so!
My husband and I have been batting around the idea of moving for quite a while too and instead of just dreaming, we are now having actual conversations about what we want our future to look like. Why not? What’s the point in waiting? It may make others upset (family land…it’s complicated…) but you know what? I (my husband and children too!) need to be happy, and if that means we move so we aren’t driving our children an hour to and from hockey 4 times a week while I’m too dizzy to see straight, so be it! Country living isn’t really something this sick girl is into. It’s really hard to be so far away from EVERYTHING…it may be time for a change…and right now I’m not afraid of that.
One more thing before I’m done rambling…it’s so cliche to say, but seriously, surrounding yourself with people who love and support you is the most important thing a person with a chronic illness can do. Tell the others to take a hike…seriously! I have had to *excuse* some people from my life as of recent and it is the best and most freeing feeling there is. There is no time for dishonestly, disloyalty, or other peoples crappy attitude. Just trust me on that!
So, this blog may sound like I don’t give a crap about other people, their feelings or their opinions, but I assure you that’s not what I’m getting at. I care very much about all of that…BUT, when it comes to my life and my choices, I’m not going to let other people get in the way of what I need. Period. Call it selfish…call it a mid life crisis. Call it what you want…but who else is going to advocate for YOU?? Is this what being a grown up feels like?? It’s kind of awesome!!
and also…this is a good read! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/20/22-tips-life_n_6906880.html?ir=Women&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046