Time is a very funny thing. Our whole lives are measured in increments of time…birthdays, anniversaries, days, months, years…and in actuality time really doesn’t mean anything. It’s all one continuous motion anyway.
When I fist was diagnosed with POTS I was told that this may be a long term event, but I wasn’t ready to accept that. I would make myself feel better by thinking “I won’t be sick ALL summer…then it was, by Thanksgiving I will be better…then it was, by Christmas I will be okay…then it was, by Spring I will be myself again…and now I’m being forced to accept the fact that I’m not better, and I’m coming up on my second summer of my new normal.
June 21st will be the 1 year anniversary of when I took my very first ambulance ride to the hospital…the day my life changed drastically, and maybe forever. It used to make me feel better to recall memories of before I was sick…”last Easter we went on an egg hunt and I felt NORMAL…last Christmas I could get up with the kids at 5am and I wasn’t fighting fatigue all day…on my 30th birthday I was able to celebrate with my friends and I felt amazing!” etc. It made me feel like the person I knew wasn’t so far gone. Now, the memories of “last year”are fading as we creep up on a whole year of this hell.
I’m not sure how I feel about this yet. Sad I guess. Happy that I made it. Discouraged that it’s not over. Hopeful that maybe next year will bring me health. Confused and angry about the whole thing…
There is some research that suggests that people with certain types of POTS will recover, and that it may take 2-5 years for your system to reset. Maybe that’s something to feel hopeful about. Maybe it’s not. All I know is that now that I’m sick time is measured from moment to moment…because the way I feel in any given second is different. I like to think that every day I’m not bedridden (like I was in June, July and August last summer) is a success, and it’s actually easier to think about life that way. It’s much more fun to measure life by the smiles on my kids faces when I pick them up after school…(I mean can they be any cuter???!?!?!)
So, take a page from this Postie’s book…if you’re upright…it’s a good day…and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to be one!