Technology is a pretty amazing thing. I don’t often think about it because it’s so engrained in my everyday life, but it really is pretty amazing. With a click of a button you can see/do/hear anything that you want. Information of any sort is at your fingertips. Pretty amazing! I have an app on my phone called Timehop, and for those of you who don’t have it it’s an app that goes through your phone/facebook/twitter/instagram etc. and pulls out your information on that date from years past. It’s a fun way to wake up! I love to see pictures I posted of my little baby Colby from 4 years ago, or a video I posted of Sophie eating sweet potatoes for the first time 2 years ago. This app always makes me smile, and makes me remember things that I’d forgotten. That is, until yesterday…
I opened my Timehop as I was waking up and I immediately felt like I had been punched in the gut. Exactly 1 year ago all hell broke loose in my life. It was the day that my world pretty much fell apart. While I had been having symptoms for roughly a month prior, this is the day that I nearly passed out and killed myself while driving, my heart rate was in the mid 200’s, I couldn’t see or form a complete sentence and I had to dial 911 through my delusional state. When the ambulance showed up there was no turning back, this was real, and this was my new normal. This was the first hospitalization for my POTS, and little did I know upon release (with no answers!) that I was about to spend another several more days in a hospital 1,600 miles away.
Now, if you’ve followed my blog from the beginning, you know that I am SO thankful for the University of Kansas Hospital, and I credit them for giving me some answers and helping me gain my life back…but for some reason, something about this anniversary of it happening is making me feel so sad. I’ve definitely learned that along the way people with chronic illness go through a range of emotions, and sometimes the lows are low…dare I even say it?…depression. Maybe I was naive, but I thought that I would want to celebrate this milestone! I even pictured having an anniversary celebration and cutting some cake! See how far I’ve come?! But, that couldn’t be farther from where I’m at right now. I just feel sick, and sad. SO sad that I’m still not all better. Sure, I’m making gains (HUGE gains…don’t get me wrong!), but I’m not “fixed” yet…and I’m not sure I ever will be. I just could not contemplate in my mind that an entire year had come and gone and I was still ill. Chronic illness is a funny thing like that, you just don’t know what’s around the corner!
I tried to distract myself from this feeling, it was Father’s Day and I wanted to try and make sure my kids and husband had a nice day together. I visited my dad and I tried to putt around the house. By 1pm I was so overwhelmed with this feeling of dread that I laid down and slept for 3 hours. My sister and her boyfriend (one of my best friends) came over for a movie night, and I tried to stay focused…the whole time I just wanted to curl up and cry…curl up and rewind to the moment I got POTS, and to the moment I contracted Lyme, and just CHANGE it. Now…if you have read my previous blogs, you know that I *TRY* to think on the positive side, and that I *TRY* to stay optimistic in this illness…and I know that I’ll be back to that soon…but right now, I’m just sad…I just feel like the grief has crept back in, and instead of fighting that, I’m going to throw myself a pity party and then I’ll be ready to move on again.
I debated writing this blog…it’s hard to put yourself out there like this, especially when it lays all of your crap out there for people to see…but then I decided that this is the truth about being chronically sick…things go up and down and all around, and I’m here to chronicle this journey, and connect with people who are going through similar hardships. I think it also sheds some light for the people who are around me…because I don’t usually openly talk about what’s REALLY going on inside. So, there it is…all my yucky, uncomfortable, not so glamorous, crap!
this one just makes me laugh! ^