Yep, you read that correclty…32. I’m about to turn the big 3-2. Now, if you’re younger than me, please keep all of the “omg she’s sooooo old” to yourselves, and if you’re older than me, I’ll save you the trouble and openly admit that 32 is still pretty young in the grand scheme of things. Okay, now that we have that all squared away I’ll move along…
For some reason the thought of this birthday is hitting like a ton of bricks. It took me a long time to figure out exactly why. I’ve always loved birthdays! My parents always made a pretty big deal of them…we got to pick our favorite dinner, we had cake, gifts and parites…birthdays were a big fun event. I’ve carried that tradition on with my own children…we make a big big deal about it. It’s important to celebrate the people we love! I began to wonder if I was dreading getting older? That seemed silly…32 really isn’t old…and I do believe that age is just a number, it’s all in how you feel (..and with POTS sometimes I feel 100…but I digress…)…and trust me, working with high school students all day long, they keep me young! I’m up to date on my current slang terms “bae, basic, whip” yep, I know them all! 😉 “Pang, you’re so awesome for a 30 year old”…one of my 16 year old students informed me on Friday…this is the biggest compliment you can get from a 16 year old! 😉
Then I began to wonder, can I possibly be having a mid-life crisis?! No way. I love my life. I have no regrets. I have no desire to buy a convertible and party all night long…that just sounds exhausting! 🙂 Then, it hit me. When I turned 31 I was bound and determined to not be sick for a whole other year. I told myself that 32 would be different. I would be able to celebrate my birthday in HEALTH…and well, I’m not there. Laying in bed one night I actually said these words out loud to my husband and I began to cry like a little girl…yep, this is DEFINITELY why this birthday is feeling so terrible.
Now, please do not get me wrong, and do not mistake my break down for defeat! I’m still up for this battle, and I’m still ready to fight this. I wake up every day and continue to try to kick POTS ass…but, there are some moments that still hurt so deeply I can’t get out of my own way. I’m still adjusting to my life and this new normal. I still yearn for the days of Happy HEALTHY Birthdays…and maybe I will see another one someday…and maybe I won’t. But, I think I need to give myself a chance to feel all these things and accept the fact that some days it’s okay to grieve the person I was and the life I was expecting to lead. That’s normal right?! I sure hope so!
So, here’s to turning 32…and instead of promising myself that I will be cured this year, I am going to promise myself that I will keep fighting this year! I can feel big changes coming my way, and I can’t wait! 32 will be the year I graduate from grad school, the completion of my 8th year teaching, my 9th year of marriage, my 7th year of being a mommy…there is a lot of good coming…so 32 here I come!